As I Suspected

So, I fail at vlogging as well as regular blogging. I have been taking time to volunteer one day a week at the elementary here, in m y daughter’s class. Between that and all the other regular craziness I have had NO time. Like pretty much zero. I haven’t even knitted that much, which makes me really sad. I love knitting, and I have only made probably 2 hats in the past month. I can’t believe how badly I failed. The worst part is that I have apps so I can do most of my regular blogging from my phone. I just get so wrapped up in stuff, so completely immersed in life. It’s a good thing, right? I haven’t got much excuse, both of my kids are in school and I have 4 of those 5 days where I just sit for 3 hours. Usually doing nothing. I need to be better. I will keep working on it.

On a side note, my boy caught the strap of my camera (stupid me for leaving it on the couch) around his leg while running at mach 10 through the living room and it landed quite hard on the floor. The LCD screen is fried. And I had a shoot that afternoon with my sister, who is a senior (omg I am freaking old!) and I had to shoot the whole thing on auto. It was awful. Being married to the wonderful man that I am, I should have expected this, but about a week later he surprised me with a brand new Sony Alpha with and extra lens. I literally cried, like a baby, when he gave it to me. I am so lucky to have that man in my life. I wouldn’t trade him for anything. No, not even all the tea in China. And that’s a lot of tea.

I don’t think I ever posted anything about graduating, but if I did you can ignore this part. I graduated, and I now have a Bachelor of Science degree in Graphic Arts. I thought I would feel so awesome, like Harry Potter when he found out he was a wizard or something. But I don’t, I just feel old, and tired, and like I paid way too much money for a degree. And I did. But it’s over now.

I’m working on a few art projects, mostly in my head at this point, but I am hoping to find/make the time to work on them. One is for my daughter and one is for my son. When I get them done I will post them here and share them. Until then I don’t want to give it away. 🙂

And I think that’s it for now. I had a terrible headache when I went to bed, woke up with a migraine, and now it’s creeping up on me again. I feel horrid. It’s probably cause I haven’t had caffeine in like a week.



I have toyed with the idea of doing a Video blog, cause ya know I’m so awesome at keeping this one updated 😛 LOL


But seriously, I’m going to try it to see if I can keep it updated a bit better than this one. Another reason, and one of the main reasons I have considered the idea is because I’m a huge family history nerd. I love Genealogy, and spend a great deal of my free time working on completing the work left of my own family’s history. As I have been working on it, I have found several journal entries made by other people about a particular ancestor that I kept hitting a wall with. I searched info for her for soooooo long! And there she was. In someones journal. She was a member of the Martin Hancart Company that left too late in the year and ended up facing numerous trials and tragedies as they crossed the plains to Utah. You can read more about her in this LDS Article Or by reading This Blog. She was super hard for me to find, and I was so grateful when I found the journal entries that spoke of her and her family. It’s amazing to find an account that has been written about another person, especially when it’s someone in your family tree! Anyway, that got me thinking, and I started keeping a written journal for the generations to come in my own family. My blog has been that sort of thing for a very long time, but for them to have my handwriting would be great, so I went for it. I have been good about keeping it updated when important things happen, but I’m not so great at finding a reason to write in it when there isn’t anything that seems monumental. I personally like to read the written accounts of the day-to-day life of people back in the pioneer time period, and earlier, but I have a hard time making myself write those things. Kind of funny.

Anyway, I have been thinking of vlogging simply because it will offer my future family the opportunity to see me and hear me. That is the kind of connection we simply don’t get to have with our posterity. I would like to have that connection preserved. And anyone of you that know me well know that once I get chattering about something I don’t really stop. So I’m thinking that vlogging may be a good answer to that problem. I have a youtube account (with random videos, gaming and kids doing stuff, pay no mind…) and if you would like to come sit in on me talking about random junk I would love to have you. If you have suggestions for topics, or a question that would be awesome and I would love to address those. Just leave me a comment and let me know! I won’t be recording the first video until probably tomorrow, which means I should have it uploaded tomorrow night. Come visit me and let me know your thoughts! My Youtube channel is Pickle6415, and I hope to see you there!




Sorry for my crazy absence of posts. Life has been so insanely busy!I keep trying to find time to sit down and make a post, but then something comes up. I am hoping to have the solution to that problem, as well as more posts to come. 🙂

You are beautiful

Lately I have been contemplating skin care. Mostly because I have problems with mine. I have had issues for years with cystic acne (you know, the kind that shows up in the weirdest place – for me my jaw line and neck – and never really surfaces. So It’s just super painful. All the time. Until it goes away, which by the way takes 2-3 months!) and I figured out that it was most likely caffeine causing it. I was wrong, it’s not caffeine (thank goodness cause I quit caffeine for a while and it was really hampering my productivity) and I’m still not really sure what it is. I have been using oil-free foaming cleanser for my skin, which helps. Until you get used to it. And then my face starts freaking out… and I am back to square one where i have to find a new cleanser that works well without making my skin dry or patchy. On top of that, I still have them surprise me (keep in mind I love surprises, but NOT that kind) and I have been using benzoyl peroxide cream to get rid of them. It works awesome, except for the fact that I have sensitive skin, so if I have to do more than one application I end up with a really dry patch of skin that gets irritated and red. Cute, right? Heck yeah, that’s super sexy.

This whole chain of events has lead me to a very frustrated state, and of course I did some Pinterest Therapy where I go on and compile more ideas of things to try. I’m leaning toward the natural route, because the odds are I have washed my face with about every product on the market at this point. And no, I am not kidding. Most of the things I have pinned are weird, and kinda fruity (literally, cause I rubbed a banana peel all over my face about 10 minutes ago). But I plan to try each of them, and see how they work. This quest to find a thorough cleanser, but one that doesn’t tear my poor face to bits, is how I cam upon Crunchy Betty‘s Blog. I pinned a thing on Pinterest for washing your face with honey, and it came from her. I did it last night, and I think I will continue to do so cause my face was really soft this morning, and that is never something I will complain about. As I was reading through I found some more things I want to try, and of course pinned them.

As I was reading through the wealth of information (and seriously a bazillion ideas for stuff!) and I stumbled on this post. I couldn’t agree more, I hate all the advertising for face creams and miracle pills to keep you looking young. It has to come from within, and what you put into your body will show one way or the other (be that in the form of bad/ugly skin, teeth, hair, weight, etc.) and I always return to the whole idea of who really cares anyway?! I have honestly never looked at someone and thought “wow you look disgusting”. In fact, it has been quite the opposite. Let me share an experience I had, it was several years ago when my daughter was just a baby. I had this friend that I had known in High School, but never befriended for some strange reason. She is one of those super stylish, classic, elegant, genuine people. You know the kind. Anyway, we were sitting at her house while our then babies were playing and having a conversation. I remember while she was talking I was actively engaged in the conversation and it hit me. She is a breathtakingly beautiful woman. Like, flat-out gorgeous. She could be a super model. I lost complete track of the conversation cause I was just staring at her, not like in a creepy serial killer kind of way, but an astonished cause I never noticed it before kind of way. I felt ridiculous, and I didn’t want her to be freaked out, but I was so surprised I hadn’t ever noticed! That just feeds my feelings behind a lot of beauty products. What is our obsession with being miserable. Honestly, none of that stuff really matters does it? Really? Having those products in your house won’t stop you from wrinkling, aging, or changing. In fact, worrying about it will only make those things worse.

Anyway, I got a little off topic there. When I read that post I read this quote at the end. It literally made me cry. I tried to hold it back, cause I felt ridiculous sitting at the table with my jammies on at 6AM crying. But I couldn’t stop it. And I felt the need to share it. This woman has amazing wisdom, and I hope to one day reach a point of self-love that I can genuinely feel this way.

“The truth is, I’m beautiful. Right now. And I know it. Because I know it, you know it too. Everyone around knows it! And that’s the secret. Know what you’re worth, and you’ll never need to change a thing about yourself. Ever. Not even when you’re 85.”

I will end this post on the particular note. Some food for thought, while I go wash this banana peel stuff off my face. 🙂

Slowly, but surely

I have often blogged away about my struggle with weight and getting rid of the excess. You can see the posts under this category on this blog. There are more that I didn’t tag I’m sure, but those are some. The long and short of it is that I have struggled with my weight for years. YEARS. Like a lot of years, cause I’m 27 and I have had issues with it since I was about 12. The math is that it’s been 15 years. That’s a good portion of my life, spent worry about something so silly. Well, it’s not something so silly to me. Some days I am resigned to learn to love myself the way I am. Other days… not so much. The things I say to myself are things that I would punch someone else for saying. I haven’t really ever told anyone (anyone) my weight. So what I am about to share is something that I have kind of kept Top Secret from everyone (including, on occasion, my own husband). I have been over the 200 pound mark for about four and a half several years. I have gone to battle with that stupid mark over and over again. Mind you, I am 5′ 5″ and have a small-ish frame. So 200+ pounds doesn’t “distribute” very well. I got under that mark once, a few years ago, only to get on a new medication that made me gain back the weight I had lost to get there times two!

I have been on myfitnesspal for about 2 months. It took me a long time to decide to go for it again (that’s how I got under the 200 pound mark before), but my hubs was having phenomenal success with it, so I went for it. Thank goodness for android apps! I track my food and water intake daily. though I slip up sometimes and don’t track stuff (usually cause i know I have eaten something that threw me WAY over my goal for the day). My husband has said I have been a nazi about it, which makes me giggle. I try to be relaxed about it, but I’m so serious about wanting to get rid of the weight forever. Not just lose it and find it again. Along with that i have been tracking my weight, I try to do it weekly, but I don’t always get it exact. So yesterday, I get on the scale cause I think “Oh, I guess I better do that. It’s been a while”. This is what I found.


I seriously wanted to cry. Not because the number was below the 200 mark. No. But because the week before it had also been under the 200 mark. I have been under that mark for almost 2 weeks. I have never felt more proud. Say what you will about my weight, but it’s going. Slowly, but it’s going for good.

Birdseye Marble

Birdseye Marble is really neat geological find! We started out the ride this morning at about 8, a late start according to my husband (who was crazy enough to want to get up for the trip at 5:30!), but a good start as it was light enough to see and not freezing. We topped off with gas, just to be safe. Then we headed north on Highway 89 till we reached the tiny “town” of Birdseye, which was named for the marble that was found nearby. We went north of the small town church a little over a mile, to find the forest service road tun off. There we unloaded the four-wheeler and got our backpack (which has bottles of water, granola bars, first aid kit, and emergency blankets and fire starters – just in case we ever get stranded) and headed up the trail.

Sign post and the turn off for the Forest Service Road

Don’t let the sign discourage you if you are planning on checking out the place, It’s a forest service road most of the way up aside from the small area at the top where the claim is. However, if you do go up by or on the claim, please respect the rights of the owners of the claim and don’t remove any of the material there. They have to pay money to own the claim, and do work on the claim. If you want to remove rocks, do so off of the claim and follow the Forest Service guidelines. Which means don’t take a truck load of rocks with you when you leave, or obtain the removal permit from the Forest Service Office in Ephraim.

Forest Service Sign about 1.5 miles up the road

Here is an example of some of the neat Geological finds

Another example of the “Birdseyes” found in the rocks.

A short walk on foot into the hills surrounding the road will reveal even better specimens.

As you can see in the pictures above, the “birdseye” formations sort of look like little bulls-eyes. You can find these rocks all over the place, just off the road. They look like any normal rock you would find on the side of a dirt road, so you kind of have to look for them. Once you get closer to the top of the mountain, where the claim is located, you will see the formations more and more in the large boulders off the side of the road. There is also a large amount of Conglomerate up toward the top of this mountain, which is pretty common to the mountains of this area.

A short foot walk will also reveal loads of small snail shells, they are EVERYWHERE in these hills!

As you get closer to the top you may also come across these super fast little lizards! I’m not sure what kind they are, but they are fast and tiny, and super fun to pull off and watch.

Can you see the little lizard in the middle of the photo?

Here is a view of the large boulders with the birdseye formations in it.

This was the view close to the top (pardon the sun flare, I didn’t have a hood on my lens)

The scenery at the top is gorgeous, especially early in the summer. It was so green and beautiful, and our short walks off the road showed us that there are plenty of deer and elk frequenting the area (there is also a Wildlife Management Area near the beginning of the road). I was really surprised that the road stayed nice the whole way up. We turned around at the claim area, mostly because we weren’t too sure of where the road went, but also because we had other things we needed to do at home. Overall we were only gone about 2 hours, and we got a good idea of what the area looked like, found some really cool examples of the marble, some lizards, wildflowers, and satisfied the urge to go for a four-wheeler ride. 🙂

We pass this tree every time we go north, and again on the way home. It makes me so happy, and it looks like such a peaceful place. I remembered my camera, so I finally got a photo!


You think you know someone… And them you find out after 2 years of taking on the phone, texting, emails…. That they aren’t who they say they are. I can’t describe the immense frustration, the level of question arising in my mind. If they have done this to someone else would they do it to me? What else was lies? Why would someone do that to another person? I don’t understand. I’m an honest person, I don’t pretend to be something I’m not. Is it really too much to expect that people govern themselves the same way? I’m very frustrated, but more than anything else I’m hurt that someone would do that to me when I’ve never done anything to deserve it.

Topaz Mountain & Bell Hill Mine

Last weekend we loaded up the 4 Runner and headed out to Topaz Mountain. If you haven’t ever been there, it’s out in the desert in Western Utah. It’s north-ish of Delta. The place is amazing! It had been in the 40’s here at home for most of the week and we were wanting something fun outside where it would be warm. Scott rounded up all of the hammers and things we needed, built a sifter box with an old screen and some 2 x 4’s, and remembered the metal detector. We read up on the mountain as much as we could, since the last time we went out it was kind of spur of the moment thing and we didn’t know much about the area. We felt pretty good about it, and prepared as much as we could before leaving.

**Side Note: If you want to see any of these images larger just click on them and it will take you to the photobucket album. From there you can zoom in to see them full size. 🙂 **

On the way out we drove through Leamington, which is a tiny farming town. There are some old Pioneer era charcoal kilns there (from 1882 according to the plaque). They are super neat! The plaque at the location reads:

“These charcoal ovens are evidence of a historic man using the natural resources. Reminders, which once upon a time formed the basis of a man’s industrial enterprise. In 1882, that man, George Morrison hired Nicholas Paul to build four charcoal ovens. Records indicate he was aided by Ole Hans Jacobson and Herman Lundahl. Records also indicate that Christian Overson at one time was in charge of operations. 

Wood in mountain canyons to the East was cut into four lengths, put on mules and horses and hauled to the mouth of the canyon (one of which still has the name of Wood Canyon). Each mule carried approximately one-fourth cord of wood. Young 18-year-old Mathias Caleb Dutson made three such trips each day. Total for the day, three cords. The wood was then brought to the ovens by wagon or cart. Records indicate that John Carson and Louis Nielson and other men from the area helped cut and haul the wood and fire the charcoal ovens. 

The wood was put through the charge door (the higher window), stacked on end, around and above a wooden fire-place which had been built in the center of the oven, filled with chips and wood shavings to provide tinder for the fire later. The wood continued to be stacked until the oven was full, (about 25 cords.) A long torch was pushed through to the tinder box to light a fire. The burning fires oxygen supply was controlled by placing or removing rocks in the rows of holes, which can be seen around the base of the ovens. Control of the burning wood was  determined by the color of the smoke. After six to eight days the air was shut off, smothering the fire. The ovens and wood were then let cool. The charcoal was removed from the ovens and sold. 

The charcoal was used by smelters in making steel. It was also used as insulation to keep foods an even temperature. As charcoal burns with hot, smokeless flame it was used on trains and other places as fuel for cooking. It was also used by blacksmiths in their forges. 

Exactly how long the ovens were used, the record is not clear. It seems their use overlapped one year the establishment of the Ibex Smelter (1895) two miles to the northwest. The smelter closed after one year of operation, because of the lack of ore. This probably ended the use of the charcoal ovens. Standing inside or outside looking to top of Wood Canyon, one can almost hear the sound of axes, of men and mules, wagons and trains. The sounds of history are silently heard in our minds as we look back to once upon a time. 

Thanks to: Utah State Historical Society – Utah Dept of Transportation – Union Pacific Railroad – Descendants of these specific pioneers and individual contributions.”

Here are some photos of the place.

The plaque at the Charcoal Kilns

Inside of the first kiln looking at the higher window where the cords of lumber were loaded into the kiln.

Outside of the first kiln.

Inside of the second kiln, it's darker because the top on this one is still intact.

From there you turn on to Brush Wellman road/highway. Once you pass the sorting facility and the power plant it’s a long drive of nothingness. Seriously, there isn’t much for about 30 miles just vast, open desert. About half way between the turnoff to the highway and the mountain you will see a sort of nodule sticking out of the ground to the North. This would be Fumarole Butte. According to the wikipedia article on it “Fumarole Butte formed during the Jaramillo normal event, approximately one million years ago. It is a shield volcano with a volcanic neck protruding from the center. On the edges of the volcano, lacustrine deposits can be found where the volcano was once covered by Lake Bonneville.”  It’s pretty cool to see it, you really can’t miss it. There are a few trails going out to it, definitely don’t go out if you don’t have 4 wheel drive and good tires. The trails are largely dominated by basalt rocks, and it would be a horrible place to get stranded. Here are some photos of it sort of close (we took a drive on one trail, but decided to turn around because the road got a little scary).

Fumarole Butte

Basalt - Lava rock that cools down quickly and is left with lots of air pockets so it kind of looks like a big black sponge. Pretty cool stuff, and not as heavy as you would think because of the air pockets.

When you get past the Butte there are some roads going off to the north and south. Most of the roads going south will take you into Delta. Along the mountains there are several ghost towns, but we decided to save those for another adventure. When you get to the turn off for Topaz Mountain there is a sign, you really can’t miss it. Once you turn off there are roads going all over the place. We decided on going up into the part that people call the Amphitheater. It’s a great big bowl and has several good roads going right up the middle of it. You will know that you are in the right place because the mountain is made up of rhyolite. Its a whitish color, and as you drive the roads going into it are scattered with tiny topaz crystals. It looks like glitter all over the road, and it’s pretty cool. We got there at about 9 AM and the temperature was just right for T-shirts and hoodies. We took our hunting backpack full of hammers, chisels, a couple of crowbars, the home-made screen, and some skewers used for BBQ (as well as the essentials like toilet paper and rope). Scott and the kids walked up the rock like champs, and then had to wait for me… like normal. I don’t know what it is but I just always get that “oh crap, where do I put my hands/feet” feeling anytime I get climbing up rocks. When we finally reached the top of where we wanted to dig we got out the tools and got to breaking the rocks apart!

A mini crystal

A very tiny crystal found in the road

Looking east from inside the Amphitheater

Looking Northeast from the Amphitheater, for perspective I kept the 4runner in the pic.

Scott digging away at the loose rhyolite in hopes of finding an amber-colored crystal.

Our little bug friend that Scott found. It was literally about a millimeter high and wide. TINY!

After our adventures at Topaz Mountain we decided to go for a quick ride around the West side of it. The highway takes you right around, and there are several signs that point to Gold Hill, Brush Wellman Mine, and a few other places. We could see what looked like mine tailings, and naturally we took the dirt road that lead to it. What an awesome sight! One of the coolest things I have ever personally seen! I didn’t know what mine it was, or what they had mined there, but as we pulled up we could see the opening to the mine shaft as well as purple streaks of dirt. Purple! It was amazing! When we got home we found that it was Bell Hill Mine, and had been in operation in the 1950’s. They mined Fluorite, Bertrandite, Carnotite, and Uranium. The purple soil is the Fluorite, and sometimes the Bertrandite (which is pretty neat stuff, though the dust is toxic). Here are the photos of what we found there.

Bell Hill Mine

Inside the Mineshaft

An alternate entrance to the mine shaft. This is located just up the hill to the west from the original entry.

I think this may be a blast hole from dynamite, but I don't know for sure other than that the hole is MASSIVE! And VERY deep.

Could these lines on the rock be pickaxe marks?

At the other side of the hill you can find this intact structure. It's pretty cool, and from what I read online the cable snapped from here one day during a lunch break (no injuries/fatalities reported) and that is what shut the mine down.

Another view of the mining structure.

Another alternate view

A rusty old oil can lid

Close up of the mechanism used to wind the cable.

Some broken cables and old hoses.

Fluorite - The Purple soil

As we were on our way home I started to feel like my eyes were burning, turns out that is from the fluorite. If you go out there, be sure to take water to wash your hands. Don’t wipe your face until you have, or you will be feeling the same thing I did… Not so much fun. But the rest of the trip was amazing. The kids had a blast, and there were really some amazing sights out there. We are thinking of making it an annual trip, I hope so because there is something for everyone in the family. We are planning another trip out there this summer, and we will be taking my mother in law with this time… as well as whoever wants to tag along. Hopefully it will be a whole family kind of thing. 🙂

An Eventful Day

I have a few things to share today. I got my lovely bag from Miss Mookie (Blog & Shop)! And I couldn’t possibly love it more! Huge thanks to Leslie for doing such wonderful work (seriously, she is amazing! Check out her shop)! I plan on using it frequently 🙂 I just haven’t decided if I will use it for my various knitting projects or for Primary. Decisions, decisions….

Today my handsome hubby and I took our wee ones out to Topaz Mountain. It was so warm out there! I was really surprised, especially because we have been lucky to get up to the 40’s lately. SO COLD! I don’t mind it when there is snow, but it’s just a frozen muddy mess right now. We had tons of fun, and the kids got to get outside and climb around and hammer rocks. I was really surprised at how awesome the kids were! Normally we encounter some kind of arguing, bossiness, screaming, or something that makes me say “one more time and we are turning around and going back home”! But we didn’t have any of those moments today, and I am SO glad! It just left us more time to have fun 🙂

When I got home I saw my package from Miss Mookie on the doorstep, and I was SO excited! I opened it up to check out all of the pockets and fun stuff, and there were a few business cards. Keep in mind, I think it’s a fantastic idea, word of mouth is a huge way to gain marketing. But these were my design. This is the first time I have ever seen my work in print. It’s so surreal, like writing your first novel and going to someone’s house and seeing it on their bookshelf. The whole “hey, that’s my work” kind of thing. It was SO weird! And an incredibly proud moment for me. The thought that someone likes my work enough to print it on a business card and use it every day to help spread the word about something that is dear to them, like Leslie and her fantastic creations, it’s just overwhelming. I am beyond flattered, and quite frankly it made me cry to see it. It was such a proud moment, and one I will never ever forget. So thanks Leslie, for being a part of that. 🙂 It has helped motivate me to be more diligent with my design, so if you need anything done as far as design work let me know!

On a side note, how can anyone seriously live without Pinterest? I love it SO much! It’s where I get all of my best ideas. If you are on, come check out my boards, I love new followers! I can get lost on it for HOURS… and sadly, that isn’t a joke or an exaggeration! LOL. I took time out yesterday to add a few of my own personal photos to a new board, just a handful of my personal favorites. Low and behold, I get home and hop on for a minute tonight and I have had several of those pinned into albums by other photographers for inspiration or photos they love. I’m so grateful for uploading them! I hadn’t thought to do it yet (and I have been on Pinterest for months) but boy am I glad I did.

I have been feeling defeated with photography and design lately, and seeing this today has really helped me get back my steam. I’m so excited, and incredibly humbled by both of these experiences! Thank you so very much to all of those who have been a part of these events, it was just what I needed. If you know someone who needs design work or photography done, send them my way. I’m reasonable 🙂 and easy to work with. Plus I love to do both of them, and that definitely helps!

And another item I want to share, an advertisement I did for a class I have. It’s a billboard for getting the word out about Meth. It’s something that plagues americans, and something that doesn’t get the attention it deserves.

Living for now

First, let me start by saying (again, because I do it ALL the time) what a horrible blogger I have been. I keep trying to write, and I open the screen and just sit there. And stare. The screen is as blank as my mind. I can’t think of where to begin, and it’s so frustrating. Mostly because I need to write, it’s good for me, but also because it’s the closest thing to a journal I keep. If I have learned anything from doing family Genealogy it’s that records are important, and holy cow it’s super exciting to find a journal or something that was written by an ancestor. I don’t know if my family will feel that way, but it’s like finding buried treasure for me. So I am going to try really hard to be better about writing. Even if it’s simple, silly or seems meaningless. Moving on….

What does it mean to live for today?

It’s really a good question, and one I think that we should ask ourselves more often than we probably do. I found some of my meaning today, it what was meant to be just a casual visit with my great-grandma. It was a fluke thing, really. I set out to go visit my grandma that lives about 5 minutes away (but me being a student, mother, photographer, scout assistant leader, primary teacher, and avid crafter I have NO free time) only to find that she wasn’t home. I have been thinking of my great grandma quite a bit over the past 2 months, and I thought “Heck, I will just take a drive and go visit”. It was good that I did. She spends a lot of time alone, and she was super happy to have the company. I learned a lot about her today, that she will be 91 this year, she was born just down the road from where she currently lives now. I even got her parent’s names so I could add them into my family line, I hadn’t been able to do anything with it up until now. The biggest point to the title of this post… She apologized to me, for my biological dad not ever being a part of my life. I felt so silly just sitting there, and the few seconds between her apology and my reply felt like hours. What in the world do I say to that? I have spent a lot of time thinking of him, his choices, how he affected my life, how he still does, and how much I would want to punch him if I ever saw him again. This sweet, wonderful little lady is the only person from his whole family (side from his 2 sisters) that has ever accepted me and treated me like I belonged to the family. As much anger as I have toward him, and as much as I would kill for him to just acknowledge me, I couldn’t must anything. All I could say was “Don’t you dare apologize for his choices. We can’t change the past, all we can do is move on to a better future, and that’s exactly what I intent to do”. I feel like it was the right response, she shouldn’t be sorry for someone else’s choices, especially when she has done nothing but support me and accept me. Should I have said more? She said she never means any disrespect toward my step-dad also, and that’s when I told her that I really didn’t ever have much in the way of parents. Not when I really needed them anyway. When I was just 6 I was taking care of my baby brother, and my younger sister. I kind of figured out things on my own. I didn’t have a mother that was there to make me a warm breakfast and drive me to school on snowy mornings. I didn’t have a dad that told me that I was still worth something even when the kids made fun of me saying I smelled like cigarettes or diapers because my family was poor and I had to share a bed with my younger siblings. When my heart was broken, it was usually broken by the people who should have been fixing it. It was really hard to tell her that, and I don’t know how I didn’t end up sobbing. Maybe because it caught me off guard. I don’t know. But I learned that living for now means that you don’t hold on to the pain from the past. It was almost liberating to be able to say that it was okay, even if I didn’t really feel it. It’s kind of like ripping off the bandaid, it hurts a little at first. But I know that eventually it will get better, and all that will be left is scar tissue. And scar tissue is tough, even when it’s emotional and not physical.

So here is to living for now, and not focusing on people who don’t consider the impact of their words and actions. Here is to moving forward with life and not looking back. To ripping off the proverbial bandaid and going through the process to really get well and not have to carry that pain every day.