Heavy

One of my new favorite shows on TV is Heavy on A&E. If you like Biggest Loser or Intervention then you should really watch this show. Intervention has always been one of my favorites, I love seeing families rally together to make one persons life so much better. I love to see people better themselves and be incredibly successful at it. I think that is probably why I like Heavy. Anyway, it’s an awesome show. And very motivating. I decided watching it last night that I still have steps I need to take toward getting myself healthy. So I am cutting back soda (again, I know it’s like a sick cycle) and working on drinking a lot of water. Water is tough for me being at home cause I forget to refill the bottles and put them in the fridge. If you have ever tasted the water in Spanish Fork you would understand why I have to have it cold. The colder it is, the less you can taste it. Plus cold water is supposed to rev up your metabolism. Also, I have the game Dance Central for the Kinect. I played it once or twice and always got my heart rate up pretty good. Plus I love to dance, so that is going to be my form of exercise until my body gets into better shape and I can really do P90X (which is utterly terrifying, it’s the most insane workout ever). Now I refuse to say that I will be perfect, I know that I will still eat things I probably shouldn’t. I know I will still drink soda. As a matter of fact, I am eating toasted coconut marshmallows as I write this post. I really love food, and all the flavors and textures. But I am going to enjoy them in moderation. I will try my best to calculate my calories, and make sure that I don’t go over what I am supposed to have each day. Summer is coming fast, and I know that for our family that means being outside camping and hiking. So that is my plan to get healthy for summer. So I can enjoy the outings with my family.
Also, tomorrow I will be getting back on medication. I have been off for a while (a few weeks) and I have really been struggling. The longer I am off the medication, the harder things have gotten for me. I haven’t been able to sleep without taking Unisom every night, and I have been reduced to crying several times a day. I am a mess. I can’t sort anything out, I can’t get anything done, and I am miserable to be around. I have been so negative the past week, and really hating myself. I can’t find anything to love about me right now, and that is a harsh reminder of the progress I have been able to make since therapy and starting medication. I forgot that living with myself was so hard to do. But it’s never easy living with someone so critical and self loathing. Scott and I took pictures of the kids Sunday (and a few of us too) cause we all got dressed for church and everyone looked so nice. As I was editing them I kept wanting to use the liquify tool and make myself smaller. But I resisted. I need to see myself for what I really look like. And that is a hard thing for me to do.
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Diet Update – Day 7

Well, it is getting easier to eat the limited foods on the diet. I lost another .5 pounds this morning. I am actually feeling pretty good, aside from being very sore from playing airsoft in the mountains for 4 hours yesterday. I am, however, dreaming about the food I want and can’t have just yet. It does feel good to have a week under my belt, and seeing the result makes it a LOT easier. I have lost almost 10 pounds so far, and that feels really awesome. I am really close to the weight I had reached last summer.

Diet Update – Day 5

Well, the diet is getting slightly easier to stick to. We bought braeburn apples when we got groceries and they are the BEST! Chicken has been good, but I think I am going to get some Mahi mahi to mix it up. And I found a great recipe for Turkey meatloaf so I think I will try that tomorrow. I am down another 2 pounds this morning. I think the longer I stick to the diet the easier it will get, and variety is definitely key. I am planning to get some grapes and freeze them, and get some more apples. 🙂

Best of Both Worlds

Is it wrong to want to have you cake and eat it if its just a small cake? I kinda feel like that lately. This week has been really hard for me. Not because of life, but because I find myself ending up being frustrated with myself and my “inability” to lose weight. I eat smaller portions, nothing. I work out, nothing. I drink more water, nothing. I eat less, work out, give up soda, track my calories and fats and carbs, weigh myself weekly. NOTHING. I lost 2 pounds one week, only to gain it right back the next. I eat healthy: Steamed veggies, long grain brown rice, chicken breast and no fats or oils added. I work out regularly, on top of an already mildly strenuous job (I AM the shipping department, and constantly lifting and walking) and chasing my kids around. I don’t know what to different.
Sorry I have been a terrible blogger. Lately my schedule has been: 5:45 – get up and get ready, then head to the gym. Work out until 8. Go to work, do the job of 3 people until 4 or 5 depending on what needs to be done that day. Get home around 5 or 6. Make dinner really fast, eat. Then class and homework around 7. I am up until at least 10:30 every night. The nights that I have a late lecture I am up until 11 or so. I am beyond tired. And I have NO life right now. So is it wrong to want something more? More time to spend with my kids, to spend on my hobbies, to do photography, to be with the man I love, to play airsoft with my friends, to read a good book, to wander the library just because I want to. Hell, I would be happy just to lay on the couch for an hour and do nothing but daydream. I don’t feel like I have time to breathe. And I certainly don’t have a social life. Ugh. I am boring.
I haven’t blogged in forever because I don’t have a lot of time to do it, but I wanted to let my readers know I am still alive. And I am still fighting my same old battles. But the difference is that I take life a little less seriously. Not so much for granted. I find myself stopping to see that the leaves of a peach tree look kind of like a tear drop. How the sun looks so orange when its setting. The way the light hits the edges of the ridges on Timpanogos and makes it look like its almost alive. I feel like I am trying to slow my life down a little bit, and enjoy the moments while I have them. But it just keeps slipping away from me.

Oh I almost forgot. Today was terrible. It was my mom’s birthday. For a normal person that isn’t a big deal, but I spent a better part of the day trying to decide if I would be the bigger person (yet again) and text her and tell her happy birthday. I finally ended up doing it, but I still wonder if it was the best thing. With the way everything is with family right now I am ready to move to a cave in Canada for a few years.

The Battle Continues, In More Than One Way

I know it has been a while… I haven’t been very good about blogging. A lot of times I get to the “create a post” page and I go blank and don’t know what to write. I am starting to feel like I really need it, as if some kind of “cleansing” process happens when I am able to write. To a degree I know that is true, it really does make things easier for me when I can organize them into groups and see it all laid out. Writing is really the only way to organize my thoughts, and since I type a TON faster than I can write those things end up here… on my blog. That is also why I have it set to private. 🙂
With that being said, I am feeling so overwhelmed and pressured and stressed. I am torn in a million different directions right now. I have school stuff to do, photos to take, edits to make, creations to finish, a house to clean, laundry to do, work to be done (which is a whole different list), a family to take care of, and the list goes on forever. I know that most of these are simple things, but when there are so many little things its the equivalent of having sand in your bathing suit. Each little particle irritates you, and you want to take care of them all at once, but you know you can’t. You just don’t know where to start. I am blessed to have such a wonderful husband and partner in life to help me without even asking. Most times we are on the same wavelength and he just notices that I am stressed and does what is left to be done. He is a huge blessing in my life, and always has been.
More than anything, right now I am really feeling the effects of not being able to be with my kids during the day. I am really missing them a lot. On the ride home today I put my hand on the back of Scott’s set like I always do. Chelsea reached up and held my hand. It made me want to cry. I have felt like my relationship with my kids could always use improvement, but that little thing just brought home how much I am really missing them. I think a lot of it is because I haven’t had time for them for the past 6 months since I started school. Its so sad to think of everything I have missed. They are growing up way too fast. I wish there were some way that I could stay home with them during the day, but financially its just not possible. Its so hard on a family, but you do what you have to do.
School has been insane lately. I just finished what was probably my most difficult module. I had Layout Design and English. They were fun, but took a lot of my time. Especially the Layout class. Anything that has to do with design is very time consuming for me, including edits and logo work (which I have had the pleasure of doing for a good friend of mine). I really love the classes and school a lot, but its taking up so much time. Working full time and going to school full time is not easy at all. But I am doing it.
My next big goal is to try to lose 10% of my body weight. We’ll see how that works. I am on Sparkpeople again, I am trying to follow it, but I am really struggling.

That’s about all I have for an update right now. I can’t think of much else to write about. Its been kind of a hard day, I am feeling really overwhelmed and a lot of pressure. I am trying to sort through everything and figure out how to get back to me and what I really want. Its hard to do that, I have been known to spend a lot of time and energy on taking care of everyone else. But I feel like I am beginning to tear at the seams and I need to pull myself back together.

Ah… this beautiful, complicated, crazy thing called life…

I guess I have a lot to update on. It seems like a lot has happened since my last post.
(Be prepared to take a peek into a graphic description of my battle with myself. In no way am I saying my life is harder than anyone else’s, so please don’t anyone take it that way.)

On the 20th Scott and I had a big ridiculous fight. It was one of the same disagreements that we have every few months, but I ended up blowing it WAY out of proportion. I decided that the best thing for myself was to go home to my mom’s and stay a night and think about everything. I cried the entire trip down, partially because I knew inside that it was so stupid and I was taking things WAY too far. Once I got there I had my good friend ride around with me for a bit and talk things out. Then I sat at my mom’s and talked to her a bit. I knew in my heart that I couldn’t live without Scott. He is my heart and soul. I talked to him and decided to come home. I ended up driving home at 11 at night so I could spend the night with him. It was a hard thing to deal with, being torn in so many different directions. Wondering which was my head and which was my heart, and wondering what the best choice for myself was. Both choices hurt me to think about because I was just miserable at the time. (I think it would have been easier for me if I had been smart and just called Cali and talked to her.) I guess going home is what I needed though. It was really difficult to think with my heart, I haven’t had to do that in a very long time.

I think a lot of the reason I was feeling so charged was because I have been fighting myself a lot over the past few weeks. I have really been dissecting myself, going over the things that I really hate. Almost to a point of self loathing. Every time I look in the mirror I see this disgusting thing. I keep feeling like I am waking up in someone else’s body. I hate it, I just want to scream at the thing in the mirror how much I hate it and have it hear me and go away. But, that isn’t how things work in reality. So, I look at it and I say ‘one of these days…. I am going to wake up and you will be gone’ and I keep hoping I am right. I think that it also made my decision so hard. I have reached the same point of ‘self loathing’ several times over the past year or so. I break down and cry because the weight of it gets to be too much, and Scott and I make a deal that we will go to the gym and I will somehow miraculously wake up one day with the old me back. I realize now that it’s completely unrealistic. It makes me a difficult person to live with because I can’t see how anyone would possibly ever want me in any way. How could they? I don’t know how anyone can look at me and say ‘oh, she is pretty’ or anything related to that. I have never felt like that, but at least when I was younger I actually looked good and had some confidence. It’s so hard to actually say that (or type it) and not just think it. I go through that at least a few times every day. It’s a constant battle with myself. It’s so difficult to put it into a comprehensive sentence. Mostly it just makes me want to scream and cry and punch something. I hate it. I just don’t know what to do about it. I don’t have anything that I can really take it out on and it never really changes. So, I started back at the gym again this last week. I ran 1 lap, then 1 1/2 the next day and by Friday I had worked myself up to running 2 laps without stopping. I am really proud of myself. 🙂 I am feeling good. I really hope I start seeing that thing in the mirror go away. 🙂 It’s mostly just nice to at least be making an attempt at fixing me.

Scott and I have had a bit of trouble with those close to us concerning the couples therapy thing. No, it isn’t because we are on the verge of divorce, and no it isn’t because we can’t stand each other. Everyone seems to think it’s our ‘last ditch effort’ at saving our marriage. It’s really frustrating, because it’s not even close and nobody knows the entire situation surrounding the whole thing that happened between us. Actually, it’s not anything like that at all. Honestly, we both have a LOT of baggage (mostly me) and we want to learn how to handle them. Our marriage is great. We have worked really hard to get through hell to were we are now. We just want to be able to live with each other even better. I know personally it will make me a happier person, and a lot easier to live with. 🙂 So that’s it. Everyone can just quit giving us your marriage advice. Our marriage is fine. 🙂 Really. We started last Thursday. It was a great experience and we are both really excited to go back.

On a side note, Scott shut his phone in the car door on the way home from Wendover last weekend. So, after doing our taxes and paying bills, we are using part of our return to get us both the new Google G1 phone through T Mobile. We are both really excited and should be getting them tomorrow or Tuesday. Wendover was….. interesting. Probably more fun with more people we know. Not really a couples ‘weekend getaway’. In fact, I think we had more fun on the way home stopping to visit the ‘tourist’ stops. That led to us hanging out with Mike and Jen (mentioned in the post before this one). Lots of fun. 🙂

So I guess that is about it. I am sure that I will think of more later. It’s just how I work. 😛 If you have something you would like to say, you are welcome to comment. 🙂 Thanks for reading.

Appreciation….. anyone?

Some of you know that I have been working with the First 30 Days site in making some changes. In the daily email I get from them the topic today was appreciation, and appreciation for the present. It said how a lot of times we get so wrapped up in what has happened to us in the past and what our dreams are for the future the we forget to pause and appreciate the present. I really liked it so I though I would blog about that today.

In reading the daily email I decided to pause for a moment myself to really take in what is happening right now. It ended up being a whole day thing. Poor Scott has been so worried that something was wrong with me all day because I was just really quiet. 🙂 It’s okay baby, I am just taking it all in.

Here are the things I have noticed and are appreciative of:
That I don’t own one single credit card. I may be the ONLY American that doesn’t, but I know that I have like zero will power when it comes to shopping and I know how much trouble I would be in before I would even know it. I am so glad that I don’t have to worry about that.
That I don’t have a top-of-the-line cell phone, it’s just a little Motorola that I have dropped a million and one times, the finish is wearing off, and sometimes it just decides to take a siesta (probably from being dropped so many times). The number buttons are seriously worn from texting, as many of you also know I am a text-a-holic. 🙂 But it’s cute, it has all my own stuff on it, and I never leave home without it. I have taken close to a thousand pictures with it (literally) and I don’t know what I would do without it some days. 🙂
My husband (you should have seen that one coming) who is such a mild mannered, laid back, classic gentleman that still opens my doors after being married for nearly 6 years. In fact, he gets frustrated when I get out of the car or walk too quickly for him to do it. He is the greatest thing I ever could have asked for. He does laundry, cleans the house, and finds a way to take care of me without me even asking (or even knowing sometimes). He doesn’t care if I ever lost another pound, and says that he loves me more with every breath.
My kids, though they are crazy and semi retarded sometimes, I would be lost in my life without them. I have learned so much from them. I don’t know where I would be if I didn’t have them. They are my saving grace and my sanity, though sometimes they make me crazy. 🙂
A clean, working car to drive to work.
My awesome friends. I love you all. 🙂 I honestly could not have asked for better friends. Some of them are serious, some of them are silly. It’s a great combination. I think that each of them appeals to a different part of my personality. Thank you all for what you have done for me and for what you continue to do to help me. I have learned a lot from each of you.
My apartment. Yes, even with all the stuff that still doesn’t work. It’s warm in the winter, and livable in the summer. It keeps us safe, and it’s someplace to call home. It’s clean, and it holds a lot of memories for us.
My job, though stressful. I love the feeling on a day like today when I go home and I am covered in all kinds of smelly gross things, but I have worked hard all day. I love that feeling of accomplishment.
Most of all, knowing that everything I have, I have earned.

That’s my appreciation and reflection on the present. I think it’s a great thing for people to take a moment and remember all the great things that are going on in their lives. It’s not bad to also reflect on the negative and try to think of a way that it could be positive. Perhaps it’s something that you need to learn, or maybe someday it will help you to help someone else. You never know, but there is always a reason for everything that happens to us.

Now, as far as the rest of my life goes, you can read about the kids on the family blog .

Yesterday I got on the scale and since the first of the year I have lost 4 pounds. That was pretty exciting. I was so happy that I nearly cried. I know, I am a giant boob. 🙂 I have been trying to make healthier decisions and better food choices. I am less irritable when I eat right. We bought some green beans and baby carrots and put them in the fridge at work. I have been snacking on them between lunch and dinner and having a yogurt every day for brunch. It seems to be working. 🙂

Along with that I also have been experiencing some strange pain under my left side of my ribcage. It’s just under my ribs in the front. I don’t know what it is, but yesterday it nearly knocked me over. It felt like someone was shoving a bayonette into my side and twisting it. It hurt so bad it knocked the wind out of me. I got the same pain tonight, but not quite as bad. It’s a little spooky, but unless it keeps happening I am not going to let it bother me.

I think my sinus infection is about cleared up. I bought some Xclear today at WalMart. It’s AMAZING! It works right away, and it doesn’t have that gross aftertaste in the back of my throat like most of the others, and it has no side effects. I can use it as often as I need to, and for as long as I need to. I also got some 12 hour, non drowsy sudafed. We will see if that helps. I haven’t taken it in forever cause I had such poor results last time. So hopefully no 4:30 wake up because I can’t breathe.

I made Chocolate Chip cookies tonight. The ended up fluffier than normal, and almost don’t look like they cooked all the way. They are super good though. I always add a lot of flour, so my cookies look different than most peoples. A lot of people forget that at a higher altitude you are supposed to add more flour. I just wing it. I don’t usually go by a set amount of flour. I just make them the way my grandma taught me, which is to add flour until they hold their shape and the dough doesn’t stick to your fingers. 🙂 It works for me every time.

Well, I am off to relax a bit. It’s been a super long day, and I am SO tired. Between the last 2 days I have gotten a total of about 8 hours of sleep. I can’t wait to go to sleep tonight. Hopefully I can FINALLY sleep for the full night. I guess we will see. 🙂

What to do… stupid sinuses

After about a month of dealing with my retarded sinuses, I have decided that I am going to have to go to a doctor. Nothing is getting any better. This is the 3rd night in a row I have been up at 3:30 in a panic cause I can’t breathe. When I went to bed last night everything was great, and I could breathe quite well out either side of my nose. However, by 3:30 I sounded like I have been underwater all night and now every time I try to breathe I am completely incapable. This mostly happens throughout the day the same way. If I am standing up I am fine and can breathe great. After about 5 minutes of sitting or laying I am completely blocked. I have tried everything I can think of to get rid of it (obviously, not all at once). I have used sinus spray for extreme congestion, I have used mucinex, I have been rinsing my sinuses twice a day on most days, and I have tried vicks vaporub. In addition to each of these i have slept with a humidifier on each night to try to help. Nothing has worked and I believe I have gone through about 3 boxes of tissue between my house and work. It’s miserable. I just took the last mucinex I had about 15 minutes ago. Hope it works. I am exhausted, cranky, and nearly in tears because I don’t know what to do other than to go to a doctor. My problem there is I don’t have any health insurance and I don’t want to pay some idiot $200 just so that they can tell me it’s an infection. I already know that. Then they are just going to want to give me a prescription and I don’t have money for that. UGH! What else can I do at this point? Do I really have any other option?

Aside from that the only thing I have to report is that I got on the scale yesterday to find that I had somehow lost 4 pounds. That is pretty exciting. I was in a great mood all day yesterday because of it, in spite of only sleeping 4 hours the night before.

Well, that’s it. I just wanted to update, and I didn’t know what to do until that mucinex started to work. In the time I have written this, I have gone through about another 1/2 box of tissue. It really makes me wonder, what the hell do I even have them for. They don’t work right in the first place anyhow……

Delayed posting, sorry about that. :)

So, I realize it has been a while since I have posted. We have been pretty busy with the holiday creeping up on us. In fact, today we have to go pick up a gift card in SLC and it is SNOWING like crazy out there. I am excited for it, but I wish we didn’t have to drive up there in the snow. I guess I have a few things to update on.

We had to get a new car. Our Neon was slowly dying. We debated on it for a few days, but on the day we got the car the heater pretty much went out and it was fortunate that we had started looking before so that we didn’t have to settle for whatever they could get us into. We got the car from CHM Motors in Springville. It was overall a good experience. I don’t think I will buy a bar form another dealership. It’s the first time we have come out of a place not feeling like we are getting the short end of the stick. The car goes great and fits our needs and our budget.

We went to lunch with my mom and dad on Friday. I know, shocking right? We took them to Carl’s Jr. I guess my dad had never been there, and my mom hadn’t been in a really long time. It was fun, and we got a chance to have a real adult conversation with my parents, which I think was probably a once-in-a-lifetime thing. We got to talk about my grandma, and the adventure of putting my grandpa in a home. The place they took him to is VA approved so he is taken care of since he is 100% disabled. They have to pay like $15 a month so he can have cable and a haircut every 6 weeks. He was really excited to go, and I have heard nothing but good things about this place. Scott’s mom’s mom was in the same one, and she loved it. So I am glad they had him go to that one. My mo msaid he probably won’t live much longer, but his quality of life will be so much better being somewhere that they can take care of his needs. He is diabetic and they can monitor his diet and insulin, and he also has Alzheimers. It will be a good thing for him, even if he doesn’t make it much longer, he will be happier and healthier.

Chelsea is out of school until after new years. The daycare is closed from the 24th until the 5th of January. So they kids are going to stay with Scott’s Mom and Dad. We are so lucky to have such a great set of Grandparent’s for our kids. They are almost always willing to take the kids if we need them to. It’s so nice, because otherwise I don’t know what we would do. And it definitely helps that they LOVE to go to grandma’s house. 🙂

All day yesterday Elgen was walking around with Chelsea’s little phone from her kitchen and saying ‘hello’ into it. It was the cutest thing. It’s funny how he thinks he is big now. He tries to be a big person.He also has gotten in to pretending he is a puppy. He will crawl around on all fours and bark. It’s so funny. What a weird little boy, but one thing I have always loved and been a big advocate of is letting our children just be themselves. They are weird and silly and say some of the strangest things, but I love them and they are very much their own people. I wouldn’t have it any other way. 🙂

People who know me well, and for a long time, will know that I have always battled with my terrible skin. I know there is worse out there, but mine gets to be pretty bad. I almost always have a breakout of some sort going. I found some stuff at the grocery store about a week ago, it’s made by Clean & Clear. I have used their stuff before with no result, but the kit I got I have been using for the past week. I have to say that I am very impressed. It works quite well, has cleared up my skin, and prevented me from getting any breakouts for the past week. My skin is almost completely clear. I am so excited. I hope it continues to work this well. It’s nice to finally know how it feels to have ‘normal’ skin. The only downside, I happened to get a bit behind my ear somehow (?) and it made the skin REALLY dry. It was a little itchy, but went away after about a day.

I also have started a sort of work out journal online. I found this site, Fit Day. I made a profile and started tracking. I can’t believe how many carbs I am eating!!!! It’s crazy. So I am going to start tracking my food, activity and everything and try to get to my goal weight by Scott and my anniversary in April. It’s a tiny it over 2 pounds a week, but I am pretty sure that I can do it. Scott started one too. It’s a great tool for anyone who is struggling to lose weight. And it’s 100% free. It does reports and all kinds of things. Check it out!

My father in law just called me and sang happy birthday over the phone. I told him it wasn’t until tomorrow, so he sang the whole thing over again but put tomorrow in there. He said he didn’t want to forget to call me tomorrow. What a silly old man. 🙂 But it did put a smile on my face, and I can’t argue with that. I will be a whopping 24 tomorrow. I can’t believe i am that OLD. Ha ha ha, just kidding. I don’t feel that old in my heart, but my body feels it for sure. I am going to get a detox kit over the weekend and see if it helps a bit with that. I am also quitting caffeine, and soda. It’s a lot, but I am tired of feeling gross from the caffeine, and I know that the soda isn’t helping. I have read it depletes bone mass and causes cellulite. Gross. So I am done with it. In fact, this morning I only had an Arizona tea. I am going to try to start drinking them, but I need to find some that are low in sugar. Like I need more sugar. It only makes me loopy……er. 🙂 So starting today I am done with all of those things. I hope it works, or at least helps me. I gained some weight over the past week from all the goodies of the holidays. I gotta limit that stuff.

Scott and I talked about it, and decided that we would like to have more children. However, it will have to wait until he is on a department and we have health insurance coverage. We don’t want to go through that whole thing without it. Again. So we will start talking about it again when he is hired on. It’s kind of exciting, and I am hopeful that I will be in a better state of health at that point. Hopefully I can lose some weight and get to a maintenance stage and that will definitely make being pregnant easier. I am planning to go to the gym while I am pregnant next time, so that I can try to keep my blood pressure down and stay healthy. I am also going to talk to the doctor and see if there is a diet I can stay on that will help with the blood pressure thing. Anything I can do to try to help my chances. 🙂

So, happy birthday to me tomorrow, and Happy Holidays to everyone! I hope it’s good for everybody, We don’t have much this year, but at least we were able to do it ourselves. For that I am proud. We seem to be in a better situation all the way around this year, and I know it’s a blessing. I hope we can continue it into the next year. 🙂

Thanksgiving and other happenings…

A few of you still don’t know, but my grnadma passed away on the morning of the 20th. Her kidneys failed and she was taken to the hospital. She ended up having to stay because she was too sick and in a lot of pain. Her funeral was on Saturday. It’s sad to see her go, but I am so glad that she isn’t sick anymore. She was an awesome lady.

Since it’s not a BIG secret anymore, I will also post about my new tattoo. I got it back in October. It says “Non Sum Qualis Eram” which in latin means I am not what I once was. It’s on the inside of my right wrist. I love it. It means a lot to me, and it’s my little reminder that I have come a long way from where I used to be. I have a different life than I ever expected I could, in the best possible way. I am so proud of where I am now and the things I have accomplished. Yay for me. 🙂 The snowflakes are because I was born in December, and so was my Great Gradmother. It’s a bit of my little way to remember her and always have something to think of her with me. I miss her so much. It was painful, but not as uch as my other one. Though it did bleed more than I expected. It looks good though. I want to get more, I have plans for a few others and I am excited for the day I can get them. They each have their own little special meaning.

Scott is finally done with the first half of the academy. It’s been nice to have him home now. I have missed him a lot. I feel like I am over compensating and mauling him. My biggest fear is that he will get on a department and get shot in the first little while he is there and not make it. I don’t want this time we have to be a regretful time for me where I could have done more. I want to look back on it and see that we were genuinely in love with eachother and have all these wonderful memories to hold on to. So I might be a bit scarce for a while. 🙂

Other than that, I have started going back to the gym. I am sore now, and I am sure that Monday will be worse. I am so proud that I was finally able to run a bit. I ran 1/4 mile, full speed before I had to slow it down. It has been YEARS since I could do anything even close to that. I have never been a runner, but it feels good to know that I am getting somewhere. I am going to keep at it. I get to weigh myself Christmas Eve (it’s the 1 month mark). Wish me luck. 🙂

We got a second guitar for the Rockband game. It rules. I wasn’t getting tired of singing, in fact I think I have gotten better. But it’s nice to give my poor voice a break. My throat was beginning to bother me a little. I just play bass guitar now once in a while. I am getting better and I can finally figure out how to get the orange button. I really struggled with it for a while. Anyone who has played Rockband or Guitar Hero will understand. That stupid orange button is a pain.

Tonight Elgen was being cute and walking around with the old remote and tripped and fell face first into a box. He hit it so hard he gave himself a bloody nose. Poor little dude, he just cried and wanted to snuggle. He was pretty tired. So he went to bed about a half hour later, when his nose finally stopped bleeding. Funny kid. He is a sweet little boy, but he is a turd too. He played outside today, he love to be outside. Chelsea was riding her bike and scott pushed him in the little car we have. It was cute. Then he wanted to ride the bike and Chelsea was doing something else. So I took a picture. It was super cute. He looks so big. Since he has been walking he looks like someone just stretched him out. He has gotten so tall and skinny. Well, not skinny, just thinner.

Speaking of skinny, here is a recent picture of Scott. He looks so TINY! Actually I am going to post a before and after, so you can see the difference. It’s more shocking then. 🙂 He has lost almost 50 lbs between these 2 pictures. Insane! I wish I could lose 50 lbs. I would be at my ideal weight.

Well, that’s about it. Now I will add just some random pictures from Thanksgiving. I will post again sooner or later. Sooner if something exciting happens. 🙂