Having cake

Seriously, who came up with the saying “you can’t have your cake and eat it too”? Who doesn’t eat their own cake? It doesn’t make sense to me really. And honestly, other than someone rich enough to pay someone to slap cookies out of their hand, who doesn’t have more than just a small slice? Not sure why I thought of that today, just remember thinking that it didn’t make any sense.

So I just finished another Module of school, and I’m feeling pretty good about it. Other than having an instructor that didn’t communicate, I think I did pretty good. Especially considering that I pretty much had to teach myself the course. Which makes me wonder, if I can do that then why am I paying through the nose for a degree? That’s kind of frustrating. With the amount I’m paying I think it’s pretty fair to expect to at least be able to learn something in a class lecture, maybe get a demonstration or two, or a reply to one of the 5 emails I sent my instructor (who also happens to be the new dean of the program I am in). Kind of ridiculous. I feel sometimes like I am just attending a circus instead of a college.

I have decided what to do for both of the kids for Christmas presents. Scott wants to get them one big “nice” gift, and that’s fine with me. But I have always made them at least one thing every Christmas, and I’m doing it again this year. I am making Chels a cute little Waldorf Doll… well, one inspired by them anyway. I don’t have all the materials for it, so I am going to try to improvise as much as I can. For Little Elgen I am making a robot softie (I was informed that boys don’t have dolls, although he has a Barbie doll he carts around EVERYWHERE) and it’s made out of little squares. Lately he has been fascinated with robots, so when I saw these I knew I had to recreate one for him. Thank goodness for the mounds of grey fleece I inherited from my Grams. It will be perfect.

As for Scott’s Christmas… well, he reads this blog too. So it’s still a secret, but I’m so stoked that I found something so perfect for him. It’s even sentimental, and I get to sew it. I’m so excited, and of course there will be photos. 🙂 I can’t wait. The jury is still out on what I will be making mom, I can’t decide what to do for her. For my parents I am making them a sign with their last name and the date they were married on a piece of old weathered barn wood I salvaged before the crazy snowstorms hit. Other than that, I don’t have a clue what to do for anyone.

I officially taught myself to knit. I can’t remember if I mentioned that in my last post or not. But, I learned last night how to knit in the round (on double pointed needles). I was so scared, but holy crap! It’s so much easier! And it will go a thousand times faster from here on out. I need to buy some of the circular needles now. I’m ready (I think) to try to make some socks and a sweater. Looking at the patterns it seems sort of daunting, but I think I can do it. 🙂

I also found some knitting patterns for something special that I am going to make my sister for her birthday. I hope she loves it. Again, there will be photos.

Anyway, I just wanted to update this blog. Its been a while.

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Caged Brain

Imagine a brain in a cage. After a few days it get brave and examines it’s cage. A week and it’s trying to figure out how it got there. Another and it is trying to figure out how to get out. Mine has now reached the point where it SCREAMS at me to set it free. That’s how it feels when i don’t blog. Blogging for me always has been, and for a long time will continue to be, a form of therapeutic release. Living with Bi-Polar Disorder is hard, and one of the few ways I have been able to cope is writing out everything in my head and organizing it. I type much faster than I write… and I have the luxury of rewording things until they say what they should. That’s what leads me here. My blog. So beware, because what you read in an update post is generally random, and usually doesn’t sound the way it should. There is just too much to say.

Dealing with my father-in-law passing away is still at the forefront, though it has gotten easier. There are a lot of things that still make me cry, like songs and finding his old things. His old closet is the coat closet now, and every time you open it you catch a whiff of what he smelled like. Which leads me to a complete change, and honestly we didn’t see it coming. We moved in with my Mother-in-law about 6 weeks ago. We had always had the plan that she would move in with us, but after some consideration and careful thought and conversation we came to the conclusion that with the housing market the way it is it would be much better to move into her house. She was alone for almost 1 month. It was so hard for her, and I’m so very grateful for the insight my husband had to discuss this option. It has been so much better for all of us. Even the kids are thriving, and who wouldn’t with a huge back yard and a small town. I’m so excited for the spring and summer months that are coming, and for all of the potential the home and the family has here. I kind of feel like it was a leap of faith, we put everything we had in God’s hands. It’s been hard, but we have never been closer as a family. And I have faith that things will work out the way they are meant to.

I finished my Associates Degree! I don’t remember if I posted that before or not… But I finally did it. I can’t describe the sense of pride I have gained for being the first person in my family to finish a degree. I will be finished with my Bachelors next fall. I’m almost done! Hooray!

Since moving I have had more and less time/space for crafty things. I have been crocheting a LOT and recently taught myself how to knit. It’s easier than I thought it would be. I am working on a few things for the Etsy shop now. I am going to wait until I have a bit of inventory to list anything though. I also have been sewing, not nearly as much as when I had my own sewing space… but better things. Does that make sense? Sorta. LOL I guess I have finished more projects. That’s more what I mean. Here are some of the little shoes I have made, and I will be making LOTS more for the shop!

Photography has been insanely busy since moving. I have done 3 huge sessions and have a 4th one coming up soon. I’ve been so busy, I have barely had time to do it all. But I absolutely love every second of it. 🙂 There is nothing in this whole world that makes me happier than taking photos and sitting down to edit them. I love being able to change my focus and create something wonderful that someone will love for years to come. Oh and I have had some big design projects, like helping my wonderful friend at Little Mookie with her new line of custom couture Purses and other various lovely things. She is so super talented, and I love her work so much. I wish sooooo much that I could sew half as well as she does. ❤

We got the first snow fall on the morning of the 5th, and spent about an hour outside sledding. More than anything, it was Scott pulling the kids SLOWLY across the yard on a snow tube. LOADS of fun. Until about 9:30. Chelsea got on the tube for her first ride (the two of us girls took longer to get ready than the boys did, like usual) and as she turned a corner she managed to hit a stump, pop the tube, and flip herself over. In the process she hit her hand on the stump somehow. She cried and I couldn’t understand her at all. So I talked her down, and figured she had just crashed. Then we took her gloves off. Holy frijoles… her knuckles on her right hand swelled so badly! We rushed right over to the emergency room, and they took x-rays and gave her ice for her hand. It looked AWFUL! Here is a photo I took in the car on the way to the ER.

After getting the X-ray the Doc said he was surprised at how she didn’t break anything with the amount of swelling in her hand. They called it a contusion and discharged her after putting on a boxer splint on her hand. We followed up on the 11th and everything was healing nicely. Still a good amount of swelling, and her hand is awfully bruised, but she can move it now. It looks much worse as far as color, the whole top half of her hand is bruised black and blue. Poor kid. But she is a great sport about the whole thing, and she has been good about not picking at it even though it’s starting to itch now.

Elgen has grown so much! It’s insanity really, and he went in for testing for the preschool here at the beginning of the month. I’m anxiously awaiting the news… Part of me hopes he can go cause he would love it, and the interaction would be so much more fun than being stuck here with me all day. But I’m sad to think he will be gone for part of the day, and I will miss having him and his amazing imagination around all the time.

On another note, I am horribly addicted to Pinterest. And I have pinned ideas for everything. My husband will probably have a cow when he sees my new list of projects. 🙂 But they are useful projects and beneficial to just about everyone. Come follow me on there if you like, the link is to my boards.

In the past few weeks, being here with my mother-in-law and losing my father-in-law… I have felt a strong need for faith. More specifically a need for having the influence of the Lord in my life. So we started home evening with the kids, and we have been reading scripture, and attending Church more regularly. I’m so super grateful for that, and as a family I don’t really remember ever feeling closer to each other. Prayer is a powerful thing, and mine have been really long lately. I have such a sense of gratitude, and feel the need to express it frequently.

The only thing I have had any struggle with lately has been babies… I’m ready for another one. Scott says he is ready too, but apparently the lord has another thing in mind. It’s frustrating, but having faith in god also means faith in his timing. And that’s hard to do when we never really had to try with the first 2 kids we had, and we have been trying for so long this time. I try not to get frustrated, but some days are easier than others. I’m sure that to someone that has had little to no luck with this that it seems silly for me to get frustrated with such a thing when we already have 2, and I can understand that to a degree. I don’t know how to explain it other than to say that there is some kind of void… and it feels strange. It seems like everyone I know is having babies. Even people who don’t necessarily want them. I just have to have faith, and trust that there is a greater reason/cause that I don’t know anything about.

In the meantime, I am going to be making more things. Knitting & crocheting hats, making baby shoes, and finishing up christmas presents.

That was fast

On the 28th of August Scott and I went to see his dad at the hospital on our way home. We had stayed for 4 days, and needed to get home so he could work the next day. He was sleeping when we got there, so I held his hand for a minute. He squeezed my hand a little. Then I kissed his bald little head, he really had no hair left after chemo and radiation, and whispered “love you pa”. I had no idea it would be the last time I would see him alive. We got home, unpacked everything. Did laundry. Cleaned up the house a bit. Kind of wandered through the house like a bunch of zombies. Nobody knew what to do, though there were things that clearly needed to be done. The kids went to bed at bout 9. Scott and I just kinda sat around in the living room on the couch… I think it was about midnight when we finally decided to go to bed. We were talking, and hurting, and ended up arguing which I’m sure was a result of the enormous amount of stress we were both feeling because the argument was really ridiculous. We decided to just agree to disagree at about 12:30 and went to sleep.

At 1:40 my phone rang. I knew what it meant, but I still was kind of shocked by the sound of my poor little mother-in-law’s voice telling me dad was gone. She was crying, and I couldn’t understand much of what she said because I get awful cell service in the house. But I knew what the message was, and that she needed us. So we got everything together and put the kids in the car with pillows and blankets and headed back to her house. We called the other siblings on our way down. We were there by about 3, and Scott went in to his mom and asked what we needed to do. She just fell apart, leaning on him and sobbing. I just wanted to wrap her in a big hug and cry with her. But I stood back and just let Scott be there for her. He has been a rock for nearly everyone through all of this. We went to the funeral home with her and helped her get all the paperwork she needed together and ready. It didn’t seem real. Dad was always such a prankster, pulling jokes on everyone. It kind of felt like one of his jokes, and he would pop out from around a corner or something and laugh at us all acting so silly over him. We came home that night so Chelsea could go to school Tuesday and Wednesday, and set up an appointment for her to see the psychologist at school to get some help working through everything she was going through. Wednesday night we went back down and spent time with the family, and prepared for the viewing Thursday night and funeral Friday morning.

It was literally one of the neatest funeral services I have ever been to. I was so shocked, as I’m sure he was, at how many people loved and respected him. Both of the viewings ran over the time we had allotted. We had a police escort to the cemetery, I think we counted about 15 cars from 9 different agencies. As soon as I saw those badges with the black band on them I really lost it. The Sheriff had forced him into retirement, but these men still were so fond of him and considered him their brother. The words spoken about him were so beautiful. There were bagpipes at the cemetery, which dad had always said that he wanted, and he played Amazing Grace as they brought him from the car to the grave. There was a Scout Color Guard, and one of those poor little kids had to have someone hold his flag for a moment because he was crying so hard. Over the past few years they have had a hard time getting the 3 men they needed from the VFW post to do the 21 gun salute. Every single member was there that day, a total of 12 members. The trumpeter could barely play taps, he had tears streaming down his face, and ended up playing it again with the mute so he could get through the whole thing. There were 9 men doing the 21 gun salute, and they collected the shells afterward and gave them to all of the kids. Then they did last call…. I had never seen that done before, but not one single person made it through that. Everyone was sobbing, and that poor dispatcher could barely finish it. Everyone was sobbing. It was such a beautiful service. Dad would have had a fit, everyone making such a fuss over him. But he deserved every bit of if. I hope that when my time comes I am loved and respected by half that many people.

That night we built a big bon fire in the back yard, like dad used to do every weekend. We talked about our good memories of dad, and the stories we had heard over and over at Thanksgiving. Him handing out the presents at Christmas. Sunday dinner, sitting around for hours after we ate listening to his stories of working on the Police Department. Stories of him being stationed in Greece and Hawaii. Hunting and fishing stories. For being so young, barely 75, he had lived every second of his life. He had lived, and lived so well. He was known as Straight Arrow on the department, he was the only one that didn’t drink or smoke or swear. Even in the end I am amazed at the faith he had, he always tried so hard to get us all to understand how important faith was. I understand that so much more now. That man was amazing. He was my hero, from the time I was a little girl raised in a home of bad circumstances. Always an example, and never had anything but love in his heart, even for those he didn’t particularly care for. I’m so lucky to have been given the chance to know him, and even more so to call him “Pa”.

Life lessons and sleepless nights

Life lesson, never every do our say anything out of a reaction to anger. I learned that one the hard way. I am feeling a lot of anger with losing my father-in-law… And I really would love to go give my mother a bit of my mind right now. But I know better. For one she doesn’t care, nor would she want to great our sad news. She had a personal problem with my husband’s family. She always has. For another, what could she do? I certainly won’t leave my kids with her. Though I find myself resenting the fact that I don’t have a “real mom” right now. I feel the need for one, to talk to and seek comfort for this situation.

Sleepless… I would gibbs anything to drift off for more than a few minutes without having the images of my great-grandpa dying slowly in the hospital bed flashing through my mind. True, it was years ago. But I remember it like it were only yesterday. Our the vision of my poor grandpa after heart surgery. All of the tubes going in and out of his lungs trying to keep him alive and drain the fluid. Freezing, and only given a sheet for cover so it wouldn’t obstruct the tubes and pumps.

Poor dad, so tiny and fragile. They determined yesterday that it’s not swelling from radiation that is causing his throat to close off, but a tumor instead. It’s growing so rapidly. He can no longer swallow at all. He can’t clear his throat, and he can barely breathe. I can’t help but cry thinking of him, how frightening it would be. The bishop came and have him the most beautiful blessing yesterday, releasing his spirit. Everyone was crying, and the feeling in the room was unlike anything I had ever felt of in my life. He is struggling, but ready for the pain to be over. The compassionate humane part of me hopes and prays it won’t be much longer… But the child inside of me isn’t ready to say goodbye to my hero.

Nearing The End

Last night Scott talked to his mom about all of this with his dad. He has gone down hill so fast, it’s really crazy. Just 2 weeks ago he was playing with the dogs and the kids outside. We just got the call…. the end is near. It’s bittersweet… I know he is in so much pain (they have him on a morphine drip 24-7) and he can’t eat anything now. I hate to see him like that. At the same time nobody is ready to let him go. It’s going to be hard. We are down to a matter of days at this point. His dad is in the hospital now, oxygen count super low and he is on an IV because he is dehydrated.
I would give anything to load him up in the truck and drive him up Fairview Canyon one last time. Toss his fishing line out on a pond and just be.

Sh!t that pisses me off…. and other random thoughts.

Don't read this if you get offended, I'm probably going to swear a lot

Don't read this post if you get offended, I'm probably going to swear a lot

I’m usually a really mellow, easy-going, laid back, super nice person. Until someone makes me mad. I think that is pretty normal, most people are like that in my past experience. However, it is one of the few places that my Irish heritage really comes through. When I get mad, I want to beat the crap out of stuff, throw things, scream and yell, and the like. Now, with that being said, it really REALLY takes a LOT to make me mad. I’m super forgiving of most things, cause I just don’t thin it’s worth the energy to get all crazy worked up over everything in life. However, there are a few things that are like trigger for me. Stupid people, When someone lies to me and I know the truth, Dishonesty in general really, When people think they know too much about anything, and when someone insults me. I don’t think that asking for someone to NOT do those things is really asking for too much. Really, just be honest, and stay out of my way. Don’t start drama. It’s not hard. I live my life that way, I think everyone should.

What I really hate is when someone tries to get all up in my business. It happens a LOT. Way more than it should. Someone thinking that they know so much about me and my life and the things I have or haven’t done. Seriously? WTF do you know. You know what you perceive and what others choose to tell you. The truth for everyone is different and I get that. But don’t send me any kind of message saying you know more about me than I do. Don’t threaten to “expose” me. Don’t try that shit with me. Don’t call me out on the carpet, spread shit around, or try to “assassinate” me publicly. Nothing makes me more angry. Like “spit fire from your eyes” angry. Over the past few years, I have had people (it might be multiple people, or just the same loser posing as multiple people… I don’t really care enough to figure that out) try to do this to me numerous times. Seriously. Are you that big of a fucking loser that you have nothing better to do with your time? You have NO life, and all you can focus your time on is trying to ruin mine? Wow. I know I’m not a big deal at all, I’m just another person in the world trying to live my life. I don’t think I’m anything special. But apparently they do. Feels like every time I turn around I have someone sending me an email about some fraudulent thing I apparently did in my past, or some “new” person requesting me as a friend on Facebook that has NO friends at all (let alone having friends in common with me). Not only are they contacting me but they are also sending messages to my HUSBAND. And requesting him as a friend on Facebook. What is lame is that if this is one person, they REALLY want whatever they have to say to be heard. Desperately. Seriously, how pathetic do you have to be to try to do this to someone. I get it, you are bored. You have nothing else to do, and apparently I am on your mind. A lot. What I don’t get is why they have made it their life’s mission to constantly try to worm their way in and infect my life with drama…. like some kind of sick parasite infecting its host with a new disease. I keep having a line run through my mind, from one of my favorite songs: “I don’t care what you think, as long as it’s about me”. I guess if people want to let me live rent free in their heads I can’t help that. But stop trying to weasel into my life.

I have NO secrets from my husband. I have very FEW secrets from the world, and those are only kept personal in an effort to be kind and not ruin the lives of other people. I have been through enough shit in my life, and been hurt by nearly everyone in it in some way. With all the stupidity and the drama in my family I don’t need any more.

For the record, I did (and sometimes still do) make mistakes. I made lots of them. Really, utterly stupid decisions. Sometimes I look back and think “what the hell was I thinking” but I think that is also pretty common. I have also owned up to those choices, and made right the things I did wrong as much as I possibly could. So I think that it’s totally bogus, and complete bullshit that someone is trying to do this. AGAIN.

Enough on that. I could quite literally go on for days about how people make me mad. I genuinely like and even love lots of people individually, and they are exceptions to this. But I generally just loathe people in general, as a group. Perhaps I will elaborate on this more later.

As for the cancer situation with my father in law… I have been meaning to update on that for a while. I Have been trying to figure out how to talk about it really. It’s been such a difficult time for everyone. Basically, the cancer is growing too fast for the chemo to do anything in the way of helping. So at this point they have decided to medicate him for the pain and let it take its course. One of the spots he has on his neck was growing so fast that it internally ruptured, and has turned black because it has filled with blood. His neck is so swollen from doing radiation that he can’t eat anything. He can’t open his mouth very far, and when he talks he almost sounds like he is slurring his speech because he has such a hard time saying “s”. He has been so tired and sick, he can barely move. It’s really awful to see him like this, he has always been “superman” to everyone. I can’t even begin to count the times I have cried over this, my heart aches terribly for what he and his wife are going through. They have been married for over 50 years, and are the type of couple that are still head-over-heels in love with each other. They are lucky that they have each other now, and I can’t imagine how hard it will be for my mother-in-law when this ugly battle is over. I just hope that she knows how much we love her, and we will do anything in our power to support and help her (I seriously love my in-laws SO much, they are the best people).

My poor husband has really had a hard time with this, but he is losing his father. I know what it feels like to have to sit back and watch someone slowly deteriorate right before your eyes, and have no way to help them. I have lost my Grandma (my mom’s mother) and my Great-Grandpa to cancer, as well as my Grandpa (my mom’s dad), my Great-Grandma, and my other Grandpa (who was a HUGE father figure to me) in roughly the past 10 years. I lost the 3 younger siblings I had when I was 8 to a horribly messy divorce. I have lost my mother repeatedly to addiction, and seen her fall apart and bounce back too many times to count. I watched my sister’s father lose to addiction over and over as well. I have dealt with loss many, many times. I know what it feels like to be alone, completely on your own. I feel for him, he is so new to it. And it leaves him feeling so raw, like an open wound. He tries so hard to cope, to deal with it the best he can, but sometimes you just have to let it “air out” and during those times I am reminded how grateful I am that we found each other.

I’m going to go finish making BBQ ribs. And I suppose I should put myself together today….. while I listen to some Disturbed, Chevelle and other various bands that make good “angry music”.

Warning!

 

Be forewarned that this post may contain material that could be considered “offensive”. If you keep reading, you can’t criticize me. I’m totally serious.

Yesterday my Father-in-law had an appointment with the Ear, Nose and Throat doc. I guess the one he was seeing before had “put in his time” at the VA, and this time it was a new doctor. He kept telling them that he didn’t want to be the bearer of bad news, but he couldn’t understand why they hadn’t told him yet. It had been in his file since last November that he was “not curable”. This would mean that the doctors had known since a month after his surgery that they couldn’t do anything to help him. And they have lied to him about it for almost a year. They put him through radiation and Chemotherapy for months, each time they have given him a new false hope that he can beat the cancer. Because of the type of leukemia he has, combined with Metastatic Disease (? I didn’t even know that was a disease ?) the chemo just prolongs his life. Why didn’t they tell him this? They would have been able to plan, they could have made arrangements for everything. Instead, they are in quite a pickle. They won’t have life insurance until February, so my mother-in-law can’t even afford a funeral when he loses this battle. He is supposed to have Chemo again tomorrow, but I assume that they will be giving him and estimated expiration date. I’m so hurt, frustrated, and angry. How could you not tell someone that they are dying, and then make them die even slower? I don’t understand, as a human being, how you could do that to someone. If I was dying I would either want to know I was dying, or remain completely oblivious and blissfully unaware. He knows he has cancer, and has for years, but for hell’s sake can’t someone tell him that there isn’t a cure?! He wouldn’t have wasted all this time with Chemo and radiation, all the treatments have done is make him too sick to do anything.

My poor mother-in-law. She is the nicest, sweetest, most genuine human beings ever. And I can’t even imagine how she feels. They are still so much in love with each other, and to know that you other half is slowly dying and you can’t do anything to help. It’s unbelievable. I felt horrible yesterday, as she was telling me I completely lost it. I was so mad, I had a feeling that they weren’t being honest with him about the situation he was in, but figured it was just me being silly. She had felt the very same way. I just wanted to give her a big hug, and cry my eyes out. After they left to go home, I couldn’t stop. I literally spent the rest of the night trying to distract myself so I would stop crying. When I went to bed I couldn’t sleep. I just lay there, listening to the sound of my heart pounding in my head and the sound of my husband breathing deep, restful breaths as he was drifting off to sleep. I finally drifted off after 2, but kept waking up crying. I’m a complete mess. I feel horrible for not letting my husband cry, it’s his dad. I didn’t even ask him how he felt or let him talk about the situation. I just kept crying.

It has been an unbelievably awful, dreadful, horrid 24 hours.

Stress

Ever since I can remember, I have gotten blisters on my hands when I’m under a lot of stress. Last summer when my grandpa had heart surgery was the worst time, until now. This time is way worse, and now they have started working their way up my forearms. I haven’t ever had that happen. In fact, I thought they were mosquito bites at first. I had really thought I was handling everything well, but it turns out that I’m apparently not. It explains a lot. Booooooooooo to stress blisters 😦

Depression Dialogue

I feel it, swirling, twisting, slowly creeping in. unrecognizable because it keeps to the shadows. And suddenly, there it is. Standing face to face. I feel like running, but I can’t make my feet move, like they are cemented where I stand. Things start to feel fuzzy, cloudy, like there are cobwebs forming in my mind. I can feel the darkness closing in, creeping slowly, overtaking every part of me. Finally I feel the courage to move, but everything is so foggy I can’t tell if I even care about running anymore. I lie down, in the darkness. I feel cold, but it doesn’t matter. I feel alone and isolated, but it’s not important. I feel empty and insignificant. As I lie there I wait for the cruel darkness to overtake me. I wasn’t to fight back, I want the light to come back, I want to feel the happiness and fulfillment once again. But no matter how hard I search I can’t seem to find it. I close my eyes, feel the cold ground, the heaviness of the darkness, the dimming will to fight back. The weight of the solitude, the gripping pain of the past, all of it pulls me deeper. I just want to sleep it off, but I fear that it won’t be gone when I wake up.

I. hate. people.

Sometimes. Most of the time I really love people, and even when I hate them it’s no big deal cause I usually forgive them. But some people…. You know them, we all know at least one. They just IRRITATE every particle of my being! The worst are Hypocrites, Liars, Thieves, and people who think they know WAY more than they do.

I had an experience recently with this, and it just reminds me even more how much I really loathe those kind of people.

 

That is all.