Living for now

First, let me start by saying (again, because I do it ALL the time) what a horrible blogger I have been. I keep trying to write, and I open the screen and just sit there. And stare. The screen is as blank as my mind. I can’t think of where to begin, and it’s so frustrating. Mostly because I need to write, it’s good for me, but also because it’s the closest thing to a journal I keep. If I have learned anything from doing family Genealogy it’s that records are important, and holy cow it’s super exciting to find a journal or something that was written by an ancestor. I don’t know if my family will feel that way, but it’s like finding buried treasure for me. So I am going to try really hard to be better about writing. Even if it’s simple, silly or seems meaningless. Moving on….

What does it mean to live for today?

It’s really a good question, and one I think that we should ask ourselves more often than we probably do. I found some of my meaning today, it what was meant to be just a casual visit with my great-grandma. It was a fluke thing, really. I set out to go visit my grandma that lives about 5 minutes away (but me being a student, mother, photographer, scout assistant leader, primary teacher, and avid crafter I have NO free time) only to find that she wasn’t home. I have been thinking of my great grandma quite a bit over the past 2 months, and I thought “Heck, I will just take a drive and go visit”. It was good that I did. She spends a lot of time alone, and she was super happy to have the company. I learned a lot about her today, that she will be 91 this year, she was born just down the road from where she currently lives now. I even got her parent’s names so I could add them into my family line, I hadn’t been able to do anything with it up until now. The biggest point to the title of this post… She apologized to me, for my biological dad not ever being a part of my life. I felt so silly just sitting there, and the few seconds between her apology and my reply felt like hours. What in the world do I say to that? I have spent a lot of time thinking of him, his choices, how he affected my life, how he still does, and how much I would want to punch him if I ever saw him again. This sweet, wonderful little lady is the only person from his whole family (side from his 2 sisters) that has ever accepted me and treated me like I belonged to the family. As much anger as I have toward him, and as much as I would kill for him to just acknowledge me, I couldn’t must anything. All I could say was “Don’t you dare apologize for his choices. We can’t change the past, all we can do is move on to a better future, and that’s exactly what I intent to do”. I feel like it was the right response, she shouldn’t be sorry for someone else’s choices, especially when she has done nothing but support me and accept me. Should I have said more? She said she never means any disrespect toward my step-dad also, and that’s when I told her that I really didn’t ever have much in the way of parents. Not when I really needed them anyway. When I was just 6 I was taking care of my baby brother, and my younger sister. I kind of figured out things on my own. I didn’t have a mother that was there to make me a warm breakfast and drive me to school on snowy mornings. I didn’t have a dad that told me that I was still worth something even when the kids made fun of me saying I smelled like cigarettes or diapers because my family was poor and I had to share a bed with my younger siblings. When my heart was broken, it was usually broken by the people who should have been fixing it. It was really hard to tell her that, and I don’t know how I didn’t end up sobbing. Maybe because it caught me off guard. I don’t know. But I learned that living for now means that you don’t hold on to the pain from the past. It was almost liberating to be able to say that it was okay, even if I didn’t really feel it. It’s kind of like ripping off the bandaid, it hurts a little at first. But I know that eventually it will get better, and all that will be left is scar tissue. And scar tissue is tough, even when it’s emotional and not physical.

So here is to living for now, and not focusing on people who don’t consider the impact of their words and actions. Here is to moving forward with life and not looking back. To ripping off the proverbial bandaid and going through the process to really get well and not have to carry that pain every day.

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